Category Archives: Internet

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I AM OLD AND THE CLASS OF 2022 IS A THING NOW

So, in “holy shit, I am becoming ancient” news, the class of 2022 Regular Decision…decisions…were sent out on Saturday. This means that the frosh are slightly not frosh anymore-ish, and there will be an influx of doe-eyed prefrosh entering campus soon enough.

I took some time to meander over to the good ‘ol College Confidential, and it seems like there are some impressive SAT scores being accepted to Wesleyan. Not like they really matter. Screams in social constructs and racism and classism of standardized testing. Here’s the WesAdmissions adorable welcome post in case you missed it:

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Very Wesleyan Valentine’s Cards

With Valentine’s day just around the corner, you may be scouting for a last-minute date for the Bon Appetit Valentine’s dinner. In the tradition of crappy (read: great) meme Valentine’s Day e-cards, here are some Wesleyan-specific Valentine’s Day cards (complete with comic sans) for all of your Wesleyan-specific Valentine’s Day needs.

If you use any of these as pickup lines and they actually work for you (or if you fail miserably?), please let us know via the tipbox or by emailing us at staff[at]wesleying[dot]org.

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Original Content Makers Must Seize the Memes of Production

We’re in a tough spot. Our age group has to deal with a melting planet, a thriving possum population, and a plethora of potential employers that expect us to know how to use Excel. That sucks for us sassy NESCAC kids. In spite of these obstacles, there is supposed to be a light in the dark, a city upon a hill, a beautiful beacon of hope: memes.

But, alas, Wesleyan’s meme culture is less than ideal. I would call it bad.

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WesPortal Dot Com is a Magical Meme Wonderland

Editor’s note: The original post incorrectly identified the URL of the site as wesmaps.com. We apologize for the error and will fact-check our memes more thoroughly in the future.

Wisly Juganda ’20 tipped us off to wesportal.com, a wacky alternate universe version of WesMaps/WesPortal (are we in the upside-down???).

Featuring a tiled background of “If Michael Roth Was A Character From Harry Potter, He Would Be Dumbledore, Says Michael Roth,” the site is evocative of geocities. This seems like a fitting tribute to the 10 year anniversary of the inauguration of Michael Roth ’78 as Wesleyan’s President, which just so happens to be today.

You can add to the message board on the left side, which currently has posts like, “Can I access moodle from this” from guest and ‘i hate this’ from our very own michael roth.

In the center of the site, there’s the infamous bagel pb&j that haunted Soggy We$ Memes in a 3-post saga (courtesy of Oren Maximov ’17), complete with a poll to respond to the question of whether the bagel pb&j is indeed a sandwich.

At the bottom of the page there’s this gem (the button tragically doesn’t work, so you’re stuck with the points calculator):

There’s also a button saying, “Click here to go to the real Wesportal,” but, in an infuriating game of cat and mouse, it moves everytime you try to click on it.

We are extremely curious who did this, so if you have any leads, send them our way (staff[at]wesleying[dot]org)!

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Read These Jinn Stories if You Wanna Get Properly Spooked this Halloween

Every year, in search of some solid Halloween spookiness, I inevitably end up searching the internet for stories about jinns. What’s a jinn you ask? They show up in pop culture every so often; the jinn, or genie, that you probably know best is the Genie from Aladdin.

Jinns feature prominently in Islamic mythology. What’s interesting about the genre is that Jinns are actually based on Islamic literature and theology, and they’re mentioned many times in the Quran. Basically, if you believe in Islam, a belief in jinns tags along whether you want it to or not… kind of like your kid sister that follows you everywhere. For many Muslims such as myself, this lends the concept of Jinns a legitimacy that your average ghost story doesn’t have.

Also, shout out to the Buzzfeed podcast See Something Say Something by Ahmed Ali Akbar for doing an awesome yearly Halloween episode about jinns and halaloween ;)

Read on for some more background on jinns, as well as some jinn stories that’ll creep you the fuck out. I’ll leave you to decide whether you want to believe them or not.

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Like Gummy Bear Vitamins? You’ll Love Cummies!

“A lot of times, people don’t know what they want until you show it to them.”  -Steve Jobs (1998)

In the YouTube debut of esteemed Wesleyan alums Russell Goldman ’17 and Johnny LaZebnik ’16, we are introduced to Cummies®: “the world’s first ever jizz-flavored vitamin chew”.

The testimonials in this parody infomercial leave you with some pleasant mental images as to the accurate flavor of Cummies®.  Lines describing the flavor include, “An almost empty glass of white wine with a little bit of ranch dressing plopped in”, “Three day old oyster water”, and “Black truffle that’s washed up under the Santa Monica Pier”.

The infomercial ends with an offer for a bonus bottle of Facielle by Cummies®, a lotion, and then a shot of Brent (played by Johnny) being splattered with the lotion in a rather suggestive way.  Describing how many takes this shot took, Johnny said, “By the end, I looked like I’d just shot a bukake scene with 50 well-hydrated men.”

Watch after the jump:

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Text Wes Back: An Interview with Cade Leebron ’14

Wesleyan solicits donations from alumni year-round to support the many fundraising campaigns that keep Wesleyan afloat (but somehow still not need-blind…). Over the summer, I spoke with Cade Leebron ’14 about her own campaign for alumni to speak up about the many issues that students and alumni alike see at the school. She began Text Wes Back to collect actual responses that she and other alumni sent back when Wesleyan texted them to donate money to the school.

Read below the jump for the full interview.

Content warning: This interview discusses sexual assault.

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Procrastination Destination: Questionably Useful Cooking Tutorials

What better time than the end of the year to finally learn how to cook? Now is the time to try some fun new recipes as you clean out your kitchen, and the internet has lots of excellent tutorials that can help you sharpen your skills… or not. If you are looking for useful advice, today’s procrastination destination probably will not help you. But perhaps this collection of intentionally bad internet cooking tutorials will serve as good examples of what not to do. Read after the jump for more:

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Procrastination Destination: Hot Knives Melting Things and Collaborative Internet Humor

This is it, folks, the last procrastination destination I will write for Wesleying. (Assuming, that is, that I keep my own procrastination in check enough to graduate…) Today’s procrastination destination is exemplary: completely useless, shockingly time-consuming, destructive, self-deprecating, and at times, oddly sweet. It’s also a truly collaborative effort: someone made a half hour compilation video of themself cutting various objects with a very hot knife, someone else captioned said video, someone else watched and then sent it to me, I watched the entire thing during finals last December, took screen shots of much of it and wrote this ridiculous post, and you, dear reader, are wasting time on the fruits of all of our labor. Read after the jump for many screenshots and a link to the original video.

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Procrastination Destination: Cute Animals in a Livestream. What more could you ever want?

(kitab posted this pic bc it’s too cute not to share)

Today I learned that there is a website dedicated to streaming animal cuteness, and proceeded to lose 2 hours that should have been spent writing a paper.

You can choose to watch sloths, kittens, penguins and even cockroaches.

Proceed with caution, and only if you do not value your time.

My only qualm is that they have yet to dedicate one to squirrels. Although, attaching a GoPro to my head and following squirrels on campus might become a reality in my near future.

http://www.apl.tv/