Category Archives: Internet

Like Gummy Bear Vitamins? You’ll Love Cummies!

“A lot of times, people don’t know what they want until you show it to them.”  -Steve Jobs (1998)

In the YouTube debut of esteemed Wesleyan alums Russell Goldman ’17 and Johnny LaZebnik ’16, we are introduced to Cummies®: “the world’s first ever jizz-flavored vitamin chew”.

The testimonials in this parody infomercial leave you with some pleasant mental images as to the accurate flavor of Cummies®.  Lines describing the flavor include, “An almost empty glass of white wine with a little bit of ranch dressing plopped in”, “Three day old oyster water”, and “Black truffle that’s washed up under the Santa Monica Pier”.

The infomercial ends with an offer for a bonus bottle of Facielle by Cummies®, a lotion, and then a shot of Brent (played by Johnny) being splattered with the lotion in a rather suggestive way.  Describing how many takes this shot took, Johnny said, “By the end, I looked like I’d just shot a bukake scene with 50 well-hydrated men.”

Watch after the jump:

Text Wes Back: An Interview with Cade Leebron ’14

Wesleyan solicits donations from alumni year-round to support the many fundraising campaigns that keep Wesleyan afloat (but somehow still not need-blind…). Over the summer, I spoke with Cade Leebron ’14 about her own campaign for alumni to speak up about the many issues that students and alumni alike see at the school. She began Text Wes Back to collect actual responses that she and other alumni sent back when Wesleyan texted them to donate money to the school.

Read below the jump for the full interview.

Content warning: This interview discusses sexual assault.

Procrastination Destination: Questionably Useful Cooking Tutorials

What better time than the end of the year to finally learn how to cook? Now is the time to try some fun new recipes as you clean out your kitchen, and the internet has lots of excellent tutorials that can help you sharpen your skills… or not. If you are looking for useful advice, today’s procrastination destination probably will not help you. But perhaps this collection of intentionally bad internet cooking tutorials will serve as good examples of what not to do. Read after the jump for more:

Procrastination Destination: Hot Knives Melting Things and Collaborative Internet Humor

This is it, folks, the last procrastination destination I will write for Wesleying. (Assuming, that is, that I keep my own procrastination in check enough to graduate…) Today’s procrastination destination is exemplary: completely useless, shockingly time-consuming, destructive, self-deprecating, and at times, oddly sweet. It’s also a truly collaborative effort: someone made a half hour compilation video of themself cutting various objects with a very hot knife, someone else captioned said video, someone else watched and then sent it to me, I watched the entire thing during finals last December, took screen shots of much of it and wrote this ridiculous post, and you, dear reader, are wasting time on the fruits of all of our labor. Read after the jump for many screenshots and a link to the original video.

Procrastination Destination: Cute Animals in a Livestream. What more could you ever want?

(kitab posted this pic bc it’s too cute not to share)

Today I learned that there is a website dedicated to streaming animal cuteness, and proceeded to lose 2 hours that should have been spent writing a paper.

You can choose to watch sloths, kittens, penguins and even cockroaches.

Proceed with caution, and only if you do not value your time.

My only qualm is that they have yet to dedicate one to squirrels. Although, attaching a GoPro to my head and following squirrels on campus might become a reality in my near future.

http://www.apl.tv/

Procrastination Destination: Agar.io

be the dot, become the dot

Agar.io is a game that my friend Joomy Korkut ’17 showed me maybe two years ago, and the basic premise is this — you are a dot. You use your mouse to move your dot around the screen in a network of other dots. When you run into a smaller dot, you absorb it into your body and you get a little bit bigger. But when you run into a bigger dot, you get absorbed by that body and you lose. The catch is that bigger dots move much much slower than smaller dots, so it’s easy to run away from the big dot monsters for a while.

WesMaps 2017-2018 Is Live (Kind Of) (For the Most Part)

I thought I was going to get work done tonight, but the pre-reg deities had other plans. Welcome to WesMaps 2017-2018, your new form of future-building, stress-inducing procrastination.

Truth be told, we don’t usually post about fall WesMaps until spring pre-reg, but since the new WesMaps link is already spreading like wildfire on social media, we thought we’d make an exception. Most of the courses aren’t even up yet, so we’ll hold off on our “best of” list, but here are some initial observations:

Procrastination Destination: Bad HTML Websites

heavens-gateMy frosh year I was an overachiever and wrote two Procrastination Destination posts. According to the intro blurb of the first, I was, apparently, stressed about a government paper, which I just dug out of my files and turns out to have been about measured optimism re: a peaceful world. Now I am a jaded pessimist who thinks we should get our kicks where we can, even if that happens to be a hastily put together archive of the Internet’s sad, tackily-web-designed past. This Procrastination Destination is truly just a list of bad html websites I have seen at some point, badly formatted, with no commentary and no organization. Good luck on finals, folks. May you come as far as the internet has.

The New York Times Is Still Out of Touch When It Comes to College Campuses

a NYT takes a photo of a Stanford party from outside

A NYT photo of a Stanford party from outside.

Wesleyan is no stranger to out-of-touch New York Times journalists writing about ~campus life~. In March of 2015, Tatiana Schlossberg (JFK’s granddaughter) wrote an absurd piece about trying to investigate the drug scene at Wesleyan. In 2003, now-fancy-and-serious NYT Correspondent Neil MacFarquhar wrote a piece on WestCo, “The Naked Dorm,” about “how one well-choreographed rite of passage from high school to college life went unexpectedly awry.” In 2007, bizarrely, they also published a fashion shoot of Wesleyan students wearing designer clothes.

"high fashion"

“high fashion”

While Wesleyan has mostly avoided coverage this fall (though MRoth hasn’t), today the NYT is at it again, with a simultaneously laughable and unsettling piece about responses to college drinking and sexual assault across the country. While both alcohol consumption and especially sexual violence on campuses (and elsewhere) is indeed a big deal, journalistic coverage of these phenomena tends to be stilted and ridiculous. Much can probably be said about this coverage, and how it fits in to broader patterns of cultural representations of college students. For now, though, I’ll let the article speak for itself, after the jump:

Submit to the Subway Ride: TIME

From Haenah Kwon ’17:

tsrIT’S ABOUT TIME. The Subway Ride, the all-inclusive human expression magazine, is accepting submissions for our Fall’16 magazine and blog, and it is, indeed, about TIME. You know the rules, submit any work (anonymously or not) you have as long as you think it is respectful to others and is vaguely- or closely- related to our theme. Be creative!

We accept videos and sounds/music in addition to printable works.
We will also have boxes traveling around campus (related to ‘REGRETS’ and ‘TIME TRAVEL) (especially near bathrooms and cafes) where you can submit anonymous short pieces, so watch out for those.

Email everything to thesubwayride[at]gmail[dot]com.
More info: thesubwayride.weebly.com

We are, after all, cans of pine-apples (points for you if you get the reference).