Ten Points on our Liberal Agenda

Our loyal Wesleying readers all know that Wesleying is super biased. We have, in the past, tried to deny this, but have since seen the error of our ways. Starting today, we’re done with our logically impaired excuses! In the interest of complete transparency, we wanted to publish a list of the top ten points on our liberal agenda.

Feminism (*Misandry): That’s right, friends, we won’t rest until all men are subjugated to their rightful place in society. One specific goal is for men to wear bells around their necks to announce their presence, so that those of us who wish can avoid them completely.

Blind Admissions Policy: Seriously. Totally blind. Admissions officers wear blindfolds, and, for good measure, ear plugs, and throw darts at a wall of applications to decide who goes to Wesleyan. Take THAT, MRoth.

Anti-Authority: Here at Wesleying the Activist Times, we’re very serious about our anti-authority stance. This means that we take care to be opposed to literally everything the administration advocates for.

ugh, please. fuck spring.

Anti-Cultural Appropriation: Any element of culture we don’t have a legitimate claim to must not be used. Of particular concern on this campus are Canada Goose Jackets, as I seriously doubt you are either Canadian OR a goose; construction boots–you’re appropriating this from construction workers… which is CLASSIST too–and plaid flannel, which is historically connected to both Celtic and Gaelic populations, and the most common version of which is named after an Indian city. Come on now.

Ecologically Sound Practices: The environment is incredibly important. In the interest of being more eco-friendly, we suggest Usdan stop providing dishes, utensils or napkins.

Privilege Acknowledgment: Especially at a place like Wesleyan, it’s really important to acknowledge one’s privilege. To facilitate this, we suggest implementing a policy under which everyone is required have a list of all of their privileges prominently displayed on their body at all times. Tattoos are recommended, but not required.

Administrative Transparency: We disagree with them on everything, but we still want to know what’s going on. North and South College should be rebuilt entirely out of glass.

Eradication of Frats: We know, we know, we’ve already succeeded! But fraternity houses are harmful spaces whose very existence can cause trauma. With that in mind, Wesleying advocates that these houses be dismantled and replaced by lots of tents.

Total Repeal of the Chalking Ban: Everything should just ALWAYS be covered in chalk.

Accessibility: Many buildings on this campus are not truly accessible to differently-abled students, despite complying with the ADA. Moreover, university policy regarding closure during storms fails to account for the needs of members of our community who are not able-bodied. Since the administration sucks and is always wrong about everything, we activists recommend the abolition of winter, ice and snow.

So here you have it: the issues on which Wesleying–or, as you can now call us, the Activist Times–is the least likely to be either a reliable source of information or a bastion of “journalistic integrity.” Object to us in the comments below, but watch out! We’re into censorship now, too.