Tag Archives: Bard College

Dinner Party School Ranking Scandal: Mounting Evidence of Corrupt Judging by The Onion

Despite the best efforts of the insensitive and cruel monsters over at The Onion, proof is flooding in from all sides that serious corruption marred the results of their recent ranking of the nation’s best dinner party schools (even worse: they tried to pass off the study as having been done by The Princeton Review once things heated up. Cowards.).

But like burrs to the pant leg, righteously furious WesKids have only been working harder to prove that we got it, we got it bad. One such example is Lida Wu ’14, who independent sources verify was definitely likely probably at a dinner party this weekend. In fact, Lida goes so hard at her dinner parties that author, cook, and simultaneous hero to Japan and the United States Eric Gower petitioned her for a guest post on his smooth ‘n’ sexy blog Breakaway Cook. Appropriately, it’s all about how dorm cooking is not only a thing, but a thing that can be done well. And don’t you forget it, T. Herman Zwiebel.

Wondering how one of us managed to guest blog for a figure right up there with Mother Teresa, Albert Einstein, and Millard Fillmore? Roll your eyes at my stupid cliffhanger and go past the jump.

Bard Wins Nonexistent But Still Nauseating Onion Contest; Wes Students Pissed

“I’ve been to dinner parties where guys show up with baguettes under both arms and just go for hours talking about Joanna Newsom or whatever. It’s nuts.”

According to The Onion, Bard College has been named the nation’s “No. 1  Dinner Party School.” And you know what that means: “Surveys show the nonstop dinner party culture at Bard is now even more widespread than at Wesleyan.”

Is that even possible? This article (and the accompanying stock photo) is disgustingly on point to an extent almost beyond satire. I especially enjoy the administrative angle:

School officials said Bard has made a number of positive changes since 2005, when a student was sent to the hospital after ingesting in excess of three poached tilapia fillets in less than an hour. Steps taken to manage the dinner party scene on campus include freshman orientation classes encouraging students to eat alone in their dorm room at least three times a week; banning the use of fondue kits on campus; and contacting the parents of students found using vegetables or tofu from the school’s dining hall in their homemade stir-fries.