As the semester nears its end, several local freshmen are coming to the realization that college may not, in fact, be the best time of their lives. This revelation has caused multiple Usdan meltdowns and many failed attempts to drink away reality.
“Everyone has told me my entire life that college will be so fun and I’ll make so many friends and go to so many parties” said A ‘23, who chose to remain anonymous due to the embarrassing fact that she only has two friends, “But like, parties can be gross? I’m too scared to admit to all the adults at home who keep asking if I’m having ‘fun’ that I don’t actually like the taste of beer.”
“Man, when I got recruited, I was so ready to be done with high school and just go play lacrosse all day for the Cards” admits Chad McBroson ‘23 “Nobody told me I still had to go to classes and stuff in college! Sometimes I even have to limit my beer pong to one game and then go study and shit. It’s whack.”
Other students have voiced concerns about issues including not meeting the loves of their lives, not discovering themselves, actually missing home and their families a little bit, and not having figured out their “calling” yet. Wesleying suggests that they all just suck it up and lie about all of it like the rest of us.
Grades for graduation candidates are due Monday at noon, so hopefully at least those folks graduating are no longer procrastinating on school work. Whether or not you’re still working, this short and sweet procrastination destination is for you, with some nice dancing, reassurance that you’ll figure things out whether or not you graduate, and a reminder that “It’s Alright 2 Cry.”
You’re not going out tonight.
I don’t give a fuck that you’ve just launched a personal campaign to “SOSS” (Save Our Social Scene).
Tonight’s a night of glorious gloom and you’re gonna get some ice cream and listen to the soul-penetrating voice of your football-playing-ex-crush-from-high-school’s favorite British songstress. And, Jesus, are you gonna sob.
We, the angst-ridden, internet-obsessed staff of whateverthisfuckingsiteis ARE HERE FOR YOU!!! We have compiled a list of our favorite places on campus to have a good cry. For your sorrow, we have also included various positions and objects that you may find to enhance your *experience* (crying). By God, let’s give this album a listen. SERENADE ME, ADELE. IT’S BEEN 4 YEARS.
In no particular order (oh look, there’s 25), here’s where and how to properly sob to Adele on this campus:
Sometimes, you just need a good cry.* If your finals or impending graduation aren’t doing it for you (or, in my case, my delayed flight and consequent 5 hour day trip to Bradley yesterday…. thanks, Chicago), here is a collection of things to get your tear ducts working.
Dozens of students poured out of Olin and raced across Church Street last night at approximately 11:58 pm to take part in the midnight Primal Scream. The screaming, lasting way longer than I’d originally anticipated, was followed by a rowdy rendition of the Wesleyan Fight Song (awkward moment when the girl in front of me tried to start the fight song and was cut off by a couple of guys singing the fight song louder).
To all of you with finals (and especially you peeps with 7 pm finals tonight), may the odds be ever in your favor.