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Whedon ’87 Declared Commencement Speaker; Fans Collapse in Panting Heap of Euphoria

“Joss Whedon is our commencement speaker! Was so excited when I got the email that I had to stop using the elliptical for a few minutes.”

In a move strategically maneuvered to collapse Wesleyan’s entire Whedonite community in a salivating heap of shock, joy, and euphoric paralysis, President Roth has announced that screenwriter, filmmaker, Buffy creator, Avengers director, ironic Romney supporter, and Wesleyan alumnus Joss Whedon ’87 will deliver the commencement address for the Class of 2013. The news has delighted everyone from Argus Executive Editor Max Brivic ’13, who tweeted that he was “so excited when I got the email that I had to stop using the elliptical for a few minutes,” to Assistant Director of ResLife Stacey Phelps, who expressed something closely resembling excitement on Twitter and fittingly utilized used the hashtag “#yay.” Other reactions in the digital sphere ranged from “I’m going to die” to “#forgetobama” to my personal favorite, “Whatever, still pulling for Bill Nye.” Even members of the dearly departed Class of 2012 are seething with jealousy.

I’ve only been at Wesleyan since 2009, but I think it’s fair to call this the most unanimously excitement-inducing commencement speaker since Barack Obama was tapped to replace Ted Kennedy at Commencement 2008. (Then again, I’m not sure 69,498,516 popular votes can really compare with what I’ve seen of the salivating Cult of Whedonites.) According to President Roth’s email, honorary degrees will be additionally presented to environmental and social justice activist leader Majora Carter ’88 and former Chair of the Board of Trustees Jim Dresser ’63 (yes, the guy that the diamond was named after). You will likely be too busy squealing to hear this take place.