Okay, here’s the deal. We all know that the only sure-fire way to make friends— that is, bonding at a party whilst drunk — is currently, shall we say, an unavailable option to the first-year class. In light of this unfortunate development, the Wesleyan Class of ’24 (myself included) has been forced to get a little creative. Some of these endeavors have been entirely successful! Others have…not gotten the desired result. So, if you’re one of the people out there (honestly, even if you’re not a first-year! Transfers! Lonely upperclassmen! What have you!) and you’re not entirely sure how to navigate the whole I-don’t-want-to-go-insane-alone-in-quarantine situation, look no further! I can help you out with all your innovative friend-making needs; the tried-and-true methods as well as the tried-and-epically-failed ones.
As the semester nears its end, several local freshmen are coming to the realization that college may not, in fact, be the best time of their lives. This revelation has caused multiple Usdan meltdowns and many failed attempts to drink away reality.
“Everyone has told me my entire life that college will be so fun and I’ll make so many friends and go to so many parties” said A ‘23, who chose to remain anonymous due to the embarrassing fact that she only has two friends, “But like, parties can be gross? I’m too scared to admit to all the adults at home who keep asking if I’m having ‘fun’ that I don’t actually like the taste of beer.”
“Man, when I got recruited, I was so ready to be done with high school and just go play lacrosse all day for the Cards” admits Chad McBroson ‘23 “Nobody told me I still had to go to classes and stuff in college! Sometimes I even have to limit my beer pong to one game and then go study and shit. It’s whack.”
Other students have voiced concerns about issues including not meeting the loves of their lives, not discovering themselves, actually missing home and their families a little bit, and not having figured out their “calling” yet. Wesleying suggests that they all just suck it up and lie about all of it like the rest of us.
Now that you’ve settled into your rooms, orientation is over and classes are about to begin, it’s almost time for the big leagues: what has been known for generations at Wesleyan as the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL… or to majority of America as Labor Day.
I’m here to share
generations two full years of knowledge (or lack thereof ) with you as a guide to one of the most important aspects of your college career. Of course, this doesn’t mean that I’m completely all-knowing on the subject matter (psssssh, just ask my friends), but I think my new upperclassmen status does help a bit….(not).
This list not only applies to those who are new on campus, but seriously to anyone and everyone who is looking to make new friends. Though it might seem as if there is a point when everyone has found everyone on campus they want to be friends with, I can assure you this point doesn’t exist and by listening to my advice I think you’ll agree. Let us begin shall we, in no particular order…