Due to an unprecedented number of students applying for General Room Selection for the 2019-2020 school year, ResLife has announced that it will be opening up three rooms in President Roth’s house for students that were forced to wait until summer for their housing assignment. Each of the rooms will be single-sized forced triples, most likely occupied by sophomores who are desperately vying for a room in a system that requires you to live on campus but doesn’t guarantee you a bed.
The Wiggles, an Australian children’s music band, is headlining this year’s Spring Fling. The Wiggles were listed as Business Review Weekly’s top-earning Australian entertainers in 2005, and have achieved international success since their founding in 1991.
According to the Wiggles twitter account, their set will include hits like “Hot Potato”, “Wake Up Jeff” and “Fruit Salad (Yummy Yummy)”. Wesleyan’s Spring Fling committee selected the Wiggles to “help everybody chill the fuck out” and “feel child-like joy again”. Another source suggested that since our campus is susceptible to toddler diseases such as Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease, the student population might also enjoy the music of toddlers.
Since the announcement, students have wondered how the Wiggles will be received by Spring Fling goers, given The Wiggles’ targeted age-range and general cheerful disposition that apparently “does not mesh well with mentally exhausted college kids”. Claire Glickman ‘21 went so far as to say “I hate children’s music; how can you listen to this,” as I soulfully sang along in an Australian accent to Wiggle anthem, “Apples and Bananas.” However, the committee hopes that the bright colors and catchy tunes of the Wiggles will appeal to the intoxicated audience and encourage students to get up off of Foss and “wiggle.”
Remember when you were a kid and your parents told you not to get up to any “funny business?” Well, fuck them! You’re in college now. If you’re of the humorous persuasion, come check out the Ampersand—we’re the Lehman Brothers of the funny industry, and the sub-prime humor-backed securities bubble is showing no signs of bursting!
We publish humor on the back page of the Argus every week, we make occasional videos, and we’re looking for new contributors, so come on down to the first meeting of the semester. Refreshments both sweet and savory will be provided!
Date: Thursday, Sept. 6
Place: 52 Home Ave.