As the semester nears its end, several local freshmen are coming to the realization that college may not, in fact, be the best time of their lives. This revelation has caused multiple Usdan meltdowns and many failed attempts to drink away reality.
“Everyone has told me my entire life that college will be so fun and I’ll make so many friends and go to so many parties” said A ‘23, who chose to remain anonymous due to the embarrassing fact that she only has two friends, “But like, parties can be gross? I’m too scared to admit to all the adults at home who keep asking if I’m having ‘fun’ that I don’t actually like the taste of beer.”
“Man, when I got recruited, I was so ready to be done with high school and just go play lacrosse all day for the Cards” admits Chad McBroson ‘23 “Nobody told me I still had to go to classes and stuff in college! Sometimes I even have to limit my beer pong to one game and then go study and shit. It’s whack.”
Other students have voiced concerns about issues including not meeting the loves of their lives, not discovering themselves, actually missing home and their families a little bit, and not having figured out their “calling” yet. Wesleying suggests that they all just suck it up and lie about all of it like the rest of us.