I am hyped up, off-campus, riding on the coattails of Friday the 13th… yet, somehow, I find myself typing on Wesleying just to guide you in procrastinating both finals and packing to gtfo campus. To help you in your quest for distraction, I leave you with the following top three most popular Alternate Reality Youtube Series following one of the creepiest, most obsessively followed myths of the internet – Slenderman. (Couldn’t you tell by the title?)
I know this is a pretty big claim but throwback Bar Mitzvah-esque tunes might just be my favorite thing in all of cyberspace. For all of you who didn’t have the experience that is a Jewish coming of age ceremony, simply imagine a crowd of pre-pubescent tweens, shitfaced middle aged Jewish professionals, and your grandparents and all of their closest friends shaking their ~tuchus~ to these tunes. Sufficiently horrified?
Anyway, I’ve curated a selection I feel sums up the vibe. Admittedly, I’ve been listening to these while studying all semester and they’re awesome. So awesome, in fact, that my non-Jewish friends now all want to be Bar Mitzvah-ed. Such is the power of the Bar Mitzvah tune.
Let’s start with a classic: the Hora. Except that this Hora is re-imagined as all the worst parts of music production circa 2007 rolled into one. Warning: you will find yourself singing this one. I’ve caught at least three of my friends listening to this while they study.
Finals have begun, you don’t know how much caffeine you’ve had but you’re permanently vaguely nauseous, all your wescam correspondence is happening between 2 and 5AM, and–for some reason–panic hasn’t set in yet. What better time, then, to watch videos of inanimate objects participating in “sport”? I somehow know the Kentucky Derby happened this weekend, and I imagine this is at least as exciting. Check below the jump for more things neither one of us should be spending our time on.
As a diligent citizen of the internet, I’ve spent a fair amount of time following strange and surreal stories to their murky origins. One that’s caught my fancy recently is Zardulu.
Who is Zardulu? No one really knows. In her twitter bio, she says:
“I am Zardulu. I am the Mythmaker. Myths are dreams we dream together and are not our greatest dreams the ones we believed were real?”
Intrigued? I was. Read on to find out more about the mysterious Zardulu.
It’s the last day of reading week (“week”) and you’re probably screwed. If you’ve been day drinking, messing around, and generally making terrible choices, AND you want to see your life paralleled by a bunch of small foul-mouthed mammals, check out Lauren Monger’s Clementine Comix, now featured in a VICE column. Read on for some personal favorites.
I write this from my desk, eating the 1.3-pound bag of candy I bought from Weshop yesterday, wishing it were easier to be a real person. But let me tell you about this fucking television show.
If I had to explain it in one sentence, Kikaida is about an android who was built to fight the forces of evil (in this case, an organization called DARK led by Dr. Gill who plays this ridiculous Evil Flute that’s built into his staff, which he has because he is evil), and the forces of evil are OTHER androids who are all based off of animals but are very obviously just dudes in foam suits. The evil androids have names like “DARK Destructoid Blue Buffalo” and I’m pretty sure they’re all voiced by the same dude. The special effects are horrible. The episodes are so formulaic. But it’s so fucking good.
We are in the midst of the heyday of positive thinking, it’s true. But even though DJ Khaled is gaining notoriety for displaying his positive lifestyle on snapchat, bay-area artist, thinker, musician, and motivational speaker Brandon McCartney aka Lil B aka Basedgod is still the preeminent figure in the practice of positive thinking. He has given lectures at many top universities but has yet to speak at Wes. This post is intended to be a positive outlet for this finals week, but also maybe an inspiration for some student groups to petition the SBC for funding to bring McCartney to Wesleyan.
this is the fakest fb event bc it doesn’t even exist!
If you’re worried about missing the continuous stream of Wesleyan-related FB event invitations during break, never fear. I’ve complied this list of those ridiculous fake events for some last minute procrastination. If you’re so inclined, express your interest on facebook to broadcast to your friends just how screwed you are, or to gloat that you’re already finished.
I’m actually brain dead so there won’t be any clever introduction to this. I’m just giving you the great procrastination ideas that you beautiful people all deserve. While completely avoiding studying for my final tomorrow I have rediscovered Neopets. Remember that great game that everyone played at some point from the age of 6-13? (If you still play it I’m not judging you, it’s literally amazing.) It teaches you all about taxes, banking, gambling, and life’s disappointment because did anyone ever actually get a goddamn rare negg or paintbrush?
I encourage you all to rediscover this fantastic game like I did when, instead of writing my Nietzsche paper, I made a Nietzsche neopet with only Nietzsche approved characteristics.
Alternatively, if you have scoffed at my first suggestion, you can take part in this great 125 comprehensive personality assessment that will sort you into the correct house at Hogwarts.
Enjoy while I start studying for my final tomorrow and cry while eating cold Sonic cheese covered tater tots.
In case you haven’t heard, there’s a new Star Wars movie out. In honor of this addition to the saga, today’s Procrastination Destination is all about Star Wars!
As I was scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed the other day (I was that desperate to not study for calc), I came across maybe the funniest piece of Star Wars trivia I’ve ever heard:
According to Wookipedia (a real website that exists), the “upbeat, swinging genre of music, most notably performed by Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes and the Max Rebo Band” is called… jizz. Yeah. Jizz.
Jizz instruments include the Bass Viol, Bandfill, Clak Beepbox, Dorenian Beshniquel, Fanfar, Gasan string drum, Jizz, Jizz-box, Kloo horn, Mood synthesizer, Nalargon, Ommni box, Peel rod, Ploong sounder, Slitherhorn (traz).
Hope this newfound knowledge of all of these funny words helps you make it through the last leg of finals!