I write this from my desk, eating the 1.3-pound bag of candy I bought from Weshop yesterday, wishing it were easier to be a real person. But let me tell you about this fucking television show.
If I had to explain it in one sentence, Kikaida is about an android who was built to fight the forces of evil (in this case, an organization called DARK led by Dr. Gill who plays this ridiculous Evil Flute that’s built into his staff, which he has because he is evil), and the forces of evil are OTHER androids who are all based off of animals but are very obviously just dudes in foam suits. The evil androids have names like “DARK Destructoid Blue Buffalo” and I’m pretty sure they’re all voiced by the same dude. The special effects are horrible. The episodes are so formulaic. But it’s so fucking good.
We are in the midst of the heyday of positive thinking, it’s true. But even though DJ Khaled is gaining notoriety for displaying his positive lifestyle on snapchat, bay-area artist, thinker, musician, and motivational speaker Brandon McCartney aka Lil B aka Basedgod is still the preeminent figure in the practice of positive thinking. He has given lectures at many top universities but has yet to speak at Wes. This post is intended to be a positive outlet for this finals week, but also maybe an inspiration for some student groups to petition the SBC for funding to bring McCartney to Wesleyan.
this is the fakest fb event bc it doesn’t even exist!
If you’re worried about missing the continuous stream of Wesleyan-related FB event invitations during break, never fear. I’ve complied this list of those ridiculous fake events for some last minute procrastination. If you’re so inclined, express your interest on facebook to broadcast to your friends just how screwed you are, or to gloat that you’re already finished.
I’m actually brain dead so there won’t be any clever introduction to this. I’m just giving you the great procrastination ideas that you beautiful people all deserve. While completely avoiding studying for my final tomorrow I have rediscovered Neopets. Remember that great game that everyone played at some point from the age of 6-13? (If you still play it I’m not judging you, it’s literally amazing.) It teaches you all about taxes, banking, gambling, and life’s disappointment because did anyone ever actually get a goddamn rare negg or paintbrush?
I encourage you all to rediscover this fantastic game like I did when, instead of writing my Nietzsche paper, I made a Nietzsche neopet with only Nietzsche approved characteristics.
We’ve all been stagnantly rotting this past weekend with reading period, AKA the final chill. But now, it’s here and there is no doubt that we are trembing with fear – the moment we’ve all been dreading. Finals. And, like everything that happens at Wes, taking things too far is a skill we would all get an A+ on (or a check plus but honestly what the hell is a check plus, god damn HUMANITIES, man. I don’t get that shit.) Anyway, if you burnt through our incredible Procrastination Destination posts, have been shamed by Netflix one too many times (WHAT DO YOU MEAN, “AM I STILL WATCHING?”), and are still trying to not distract yourself by eating copious amount of Weshop desserts, then I’ve got the perfect solution for you!
Has the impending doom of finals got you down? If you answered no, give it a few hours. But if you answered yes, you have come to the right place. I am sure on this last day of reading period all of our brains are so fried we are unintentionally acting as a homing beacon for wild critters to nest in our hair. So, it is time to turn on the adorable baby animals videos.
Some people watch TV or Netflix or random Youtube clips for the instant gratification that these forms of procrastination provide. You get to be brain dead for a couple of minutes or hours, almost hypnotically transported from the sweaty, nightmarish, hell-scape of your work (maybe that’s just me). The pure pleasure that you get is almost unmatched. This is the way I feel when I watch Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert go on various Fox News programs (usually it’s Bill O’Reilly).
Take this video of Stephen Colbert entering the No-Spin Zone (lol) for the first time in 2007. While Jon Stewart actually attempts to engage O’Reilly in serious conversation, it’s almost comical the lack of fucks Stephen Colbert gives about this interview. It’s a serious drought of fucks. It’s a situation so devoid of fucks, it almost makes you nervous for Bill O’Reilly, who definitely gives a fuck, and does not quite understand how to act in a situation where very little fucks are required for entry.
When I first heard about Neko Atsume, I didn’t understand the obsession over it. But now it controls me. I care so much about these damn electronic cats, but you know what??? It’s okay, because it’s low-maintenance and the perfect way to procrastinate.
Neko Atsume is an app available for iPhone and Android (equality!!!) and the premise is literally to “collect” cats. You fill up a little food bowl, close the app, and later, when you re-open it, a few cats will be kickin’ it in your virtual yard. You also have the option of taking pictures of them, and adding it to their individual photo albums. They all have cute names and personalities. One of my favorites is Pickles, who is described as “faint-hearted” and has a power level of zero. What does that even mean? Who knows. It’s just so god damned cute. Whenever I’m stuck during an essay, I’ll open the app up and be greeted by a kitten taking a nap in a box, and suddenly everything feels okay. I recommend everyone to do the same.
I think we can all agree that finals are the absolute worst. In preparation for the shit storm of assignments and assessments I have due in the next week, I’ve spent almost every waking hour in Olin, attempting productivity. Instead of getting anything done, I find myself getting way too invested in celebrity news stories. The one that’s caught my attention most this week involves everyone’s favorite Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts-wearer, Guy Fieri, and ~classy~ celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain.
I’m so invested in this Guy Fieri vs. Anthony Bourdain feud that even though it was in the news a few weeks ago I’m still reading about it obsessively. But just in case you’re not up to date on celebrity chef drama, I highly recommend you check this out. And watch this video. And maybe also this one (which feels vaguely like a Bar Mitzvah montage video, especially if you contrast it with this more upbeat one). And this article, which is definitely fake but amusing regardless.