According to the university’s website, “Wesleyan graduates are successful in every profession imaginable, including law, science, medicine, business, politics, and the creative arts. They are often leaders and innovators in their fields”. With all the recent focus on Lin-Manuel Miranda, we thought we’d shed some light on the other people who made the name “Wesleyan” famous.
This week, noted satiricists at The Onion released a video depicting a fictional Wesleyan graduate talking about how he “doesn’t know how [his] parents [are] ever going to pay off [his] massive student loan debt.” Sources confirm that The Onion releases news stories that are false, yet satirize or critique some aspects of American culture.
“Look, The Onion has been taking some big risks lately,” says Devin Asterisk ’16, “but this is taking it way too far.” Citing recent The Onion intern’s tweets about the Beasts of the Southern Wild star, the student adds, “I feel like Quvenzhané, but worse, because it’s me.”
“Look,” says Mary Studentname ’17,“It’s not that easy having a lot of money. But, of course, it’s in The Onion’s interest to veil our reality in destructive lies, all in the interest of ‘comedy,'” ze concluded, employing hir pointer and index fingers to make scare quotes around the final word. When asked to elaborate on hir point about the difficulties of having money,Studentname responded, “I don’t like the way you’re attacking me right now. It makes me feel very upset.”
Sources confirm that Wesleyan alumnus Gus Spelman ’11 works at The Onion, and could be partially responsible for the content of this video. One very high-up member of the Wesleyan faculty who wishes to remain anonymous but whose name rhymes with Richael Moth says, “That Spelman is a fucking traitor. Also he didn’t donate a penny.”
According to Bay, who also wrote the script for the film, the rom-com centers around a type-A helicopter blast who thinks it has it all figured out when a free-spirited diesel truck explosion unexpectedly enters its life and shakes everything up.
“It’s really a nice little story because, on paper, these massive fireballs know they are wrong for each other, but they also have this undeniable connection they can’t ignore,” said Bay, adding that he’d actually been thinking about making a pared-down film about the small, everyday interactions between detonations since studying film in college. “This movie asks common, everyday questions like, ‘How does a jet-fueled explosion find love in this day and age?’ and ‘Can a high-octane blast really settle down? Or will it always chase any cheap-thrill oil tanker explosion any chance it gets?’”
“And the movie’s funny, too,” Bay added. “When a big misunderstanding leads to one explosion blowing up the Eiffel Tower and the other destroying the Empire State Building, well, let’s just say audiences are going to get a kick out of that scene.”
Curiously, the Argus shot is immediately followed by a phone interview with “Michael Feiring, Vassar Student,” whom upperclassmen will immediately recognize as Micah Feiring ’11, former WSA President (and not quite a Vassar student). Wesleying reached out to Feiring for comment last Friday, and he replied yesterday.
“I was actually unaware of this video at the time I received your message,” wrote Feiring. “Needless to say, I did not speak with The Onion about the role college activists play in the gun control debate. I do support stricter regulations and I think that all voices are significant in the gun control dialogue—even poorly run newspapers like the Wesleyan Argus.
Remember when you were a kid and your parents told you not to get up to any “funny business?” Well, fuck them! You’re in college now. If you’re of the humorous persuasion, come check out the Ampersand—we’re the Lehman Brothers of the funny industry, and the sub-prime humor-backed securities bubble is showing no signs of bursting!
We publish humor on the back page of the Argus every week, we make occasional videos, and we’re looking for new contributors, so come on down to the first meeting of the semester. Refreshments both sweet and savory will be provided!
Date: Thursday, Sept. 6 Time: 4:30PM Place: 52 Home Ave.
In a battle of the ages, Giant Joint beat Anwar Batte ’13 in a neck-to-neck write-in race for 2013 Rep. After a week-long election, it was Joint that smoked Batte with 38 votes to his 37.
There were only two actual candidates vying for six 2013 class-rep seats, Jesse Ross-Silverman ’13 (Votes: 108) and Arya Alizadeh ’13 (Votes: 76). Ross-Silverman and and Alizadeh understandably garnered more votes by being on the ballot. A WSA election requires a minimum of twenty-five votes to be elected, which both Joint and Batte met.
This star-reporter reached out to the candidates, but received no comment from Joint. Meanwhile, Batte had this to say:
I couldn’t be happier about Giant Joint’s victory. Giant Joint, as a raceless, genderless, and potentially classless object, shines a critical light on the intersecting oppressions that still exist today by transcending them all. Any attempt to prevent Giant Joint from serving hir full term on the WSA next semester is an attempt to prevent social justice.
Exciting news on the Amperfront: after decades of offending the student body in print only, members of the Ampersand staff will now be producing an Ampersand Humor Video Component (AHVC—pronounced “AHVC“) as well, which is both humorous and a video. Amperchief Piers Gelly ’13explains the new project with characteristic clarity and righteousness:
Let the internet tremble at these first rumbles of what is to be the Ampersand‘s tidal and tectonic change of everything: the Ampersand Humor Video Component. Never forget the four humors: black bile (melankholia), yellow bile (cholera), phlegm (phlegma), and blood (sanguis).
Directed by Daniel Nass ’13 and Danny Witkin ’13 and starring Sam Korda ’13, with supporting roles by Solomon Billinkoff ’14, Eliza Forman ’13, and Stephan Stansfield ’13, this week’s video, entitled Tryptophantasm, offers a safe, doctor-approved way to liven up your Thanksgiving festivities. It’s based on an Ampersand piece by Solomon Billinkoff ’14, and may or may not feature a shot of said author frantically rubbing green Tryptophantasm substance over his torso. You’ll have to click here or here (or, you know, just watch the video embedded above) to find out. While you’re at it, check out the Amper-Blog, now featuring an article banned from the print edition (no, really).