Tag Archives: the onion

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Onion Video Stars Mickey Capper ’13

In this Onion video, concerned Chicago parents try to convince their 20-year-old son to “invest in his future,” saying that it’s critical to his employability and long-term success to invest all his time and resources into his improv comedy career. The son is played by Mickey Capper ’13.

On getting the gig, Mickey says:

I’ve been doing freelance sound work for them for a few months now, and there’s a small wesleyan contingent at the onion that now includes Will Feinstein ’13 as a fellow. Will suggested me for the piece. Ironically, I’ve actually been considering taking improv classes for fun.

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The Onion Makes Incredibly Offensive Video Against Wesleyan, Students Outraged

onion-news

This week, noted satiricists at The Onion released a video depicting a fictional Wesleyan graduate talking about how he “doesn’t know how [his] parents [are] ever going to pay off [his] massive student loan debt.” Sources confirm that The Onion releases news stories that are false, yet satirize or critique some aspects of American culture.

“Look, The Onion has been taking some big risks lately,” says Devin Asterisk ’16, “but this is taking it way too far.”  Citing recent The Onion intern’s tweets about the Beasts of the Southern Wild star, the student adds, “I feel like Quvenzhané, but worse, because it’s me.”

“Look,” says Mary Studentname ’17, “It’s not that easy having a lot of money. But, of course, it’s in The Onion’s interest to veil our reality in destructive lies, all in the interest of ‘comedy,'” ze concluded, employing hir pointer and index fingers to make scare quotes around the final word. When asked to elaborate on hir point about the difficulties of having money, Studentname responded, “I don’t like the way you’re attacking me right now. It makes me feel very upset.”

Sources confirm that Wesleyan alumnus Gus Spelman ’11 works at The Onion, and could be partially responsible for the content of this video. One very high-up member of the Wesleyan faculty who wishes to remain anonymous but whose name rhymes with Richael Moth says, “That Spelman is a fucking traitor. Also he didn’t donate a penny.”

Watch the video here.

Click here for other mentions of Wesleyan in The Onion.

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The Onion: “New Michael Bay [’86] Romantic Comedy To Focus On Love Story Between 2 Explosions”

A photo that Mother Jones deems “The most Michael Bay photo in existence.”

From Holloman to Hollywood, Transformers make movie magic

The Onion, a satire publication (and “America’s Finest News Source,” according to itself), has released yet another article on Michael Bay ’86, director of films such as Transformers and Pearl Harbor. This one is entitled “New Michael Bay Romantic Comedy To Focus On Love Story Between 2 Explosions”, picking on the director’s penchant for large explosions in his films:

According to Bay, who also wrote the script for the film, the rom-com centers around a type-A helicopter blast who thinks it has it all figured out when a free-spirited diesel truck explosion unexpectedly enters its life and shakes everything up.

“It’s really a nice little story because, on paper, these massive fireballs know they are wrong for each other, but they also have this undeniable connection they can’t ignore,” said Bay, adding that he’d actually been thinking about making a pared-down film about the small, everyday interactions between detonations since studying film in college. “This movie asks common, everyday questions like, ‘How does a jet-fueled explosion find love in this day and age?’ and ‘Can a high-octane blast really settle down? Or will it always chase any cheap-thrill oil tanker explosion any chance it gets?’”

“And the movie’s funny, too,” Bay added. “When a big misunderstanding leads to one explosion blowing up the Eiffel Tower and the other destroying the Empire State Building, well, let’s just say audiences are going to get a kick out of that scene.”

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The Onion Calls Quvenzhané Wallis C-Word, Pisses Everyone Off

Beloved nine-year-old Beasts of the Southern Wild co-star Quvenzhané Wallis ’26 (I can’t pronounce it either) didn’t win the Oscar for Best Actress, but she did become an unwitting hero of the Twittersphere after The Onion tweeted out a tasteless joke at her expense:

The Onion (or whoever has the enviable task of running its Twitter feed) removed the joke an hour or so later, but the Internet doesn’t forget so easily—The Onion and #UnfollowTheOnion are trending up a storm, and the incident has been documented everywhere from Buzzfeed to Salon to the Associated Press, which summed up the controversy as such:

The satirical newspaper called Quvenzhane (kwuh-VEHN’-juh-nay) Wallis an expletive intended to denigrate women. The joke was meant to parody how beloved Quvenzhane is, but many thought the language inappropriate for discussing a child.

The Onion deleted the tweet about an hour after it was posted. Still, that was enough time to create a firestorm online with many saying the remark crossed a line.

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The Onion Mocks “Useless Campus Editorial” from the Argus

In a rather sardonic response to Wesleyan’s gun violence forum and similar gun control demands on college  campuses, The Onion completely shat on every college’s contribution to the gun discussion in a video clip titled “College Activists Excited to Add Powerless Voices to the Gun Debate.” At about 0:34 seconds in, a screenshot of an Argus editorial on the subject is hilariously incorrectly dubbed a “fruitless campus newspaper editorial.”

Curiously, the Argus shot is immediately followed by a phone interview with “Michael Feiring, Vassar Student,” whom upperclassmen will immediately recognize as Micah Feiring ’11, former WSA President (and not quite a Vassar student). Wesleying reached out to Feiring for comment last Friday, and he replied yesterday.

“I was actually unaware of this video at the time I received your message,” wrote Feiring. “Needless to say, I did not speak with The Onion about the role college activists play in the gun control debate. I do support stricter regulations and I think that all voices are significant in the gun control dialogue—even poorly run newspapers like the Wesleyan Argus.

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A Wesleythanksgivleying Salute

Hunkering down on campus? Read this. Don’t read this.

Happy Thanksgiving, Weszzleyan. We encourage you to celebrate the day with an old classic, “Tryptophantasm.” Starring Sam Korda ’13, Solomon Billinkoff ’14, Eliza Forman ’13, and Stephan Stansfield ’13, it’ll have you feeling like you’re suspended in a sea of cranberry sauce for eternity in no time. Though you may feel that way anyway by the time you read this…

Staying on campus over break? Good for you, you studious studier. The Thanksgiving Break dining schedule is your friend. Consult it wisely. There isn’t much food to be had between now and Saturday (both WesWings and Red & Black are also closed until then), but Main Street is only a scant few blocks from your dorm. So is Marco’s Deli. Choose wisely.

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Dinner Party School Ranking Scandal: Mounting Evidence of Corrupt Judging by The Onion

Despite the best efforts of the insensitive and cruel monsters over at The Onion, proof is flooding in from all sides that serious corruption marred the results of their recent ranking of the nation’s best dinner party schools (even worse: they tried to pass off the study as having been done by The Princeton Review once things heated up. Cowards.).

But like burrs to the pant leg, righteously furious WesKids have only been working harder to prove that we got it, we got it bad. One such example is Lida Wu ’14, who independent sources verify was definitely likely probably at a dinner party this weekend. In fact, Lida goes so hard at her dinner parties that author, cook, and simultaneous hero to Japan and the United States Eric Gower petitioned her for a guest post on his smooth ‘n’ sexy blog Breakaway Cook. Appropriately, it’s all about how dorm cooking is not only a thing, but a thing that can be done well. And don’t you forget it, T. Herman Zwiebel.

Wondering how one of us managed to guest blog for a figure right up there with Mother Teresa, Albert Einstein, and Millard Fillmore? Roll your eyes at my stupid cliffhanger and go past the jump.

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Bard Wins Nonexistent But Still Nauseating Onion Contest; Wes Students Pissed

“I’ve been to dinner parties where guys show up with baguettes under both arms and just go for hours talking about Joanna Newsom or whatever. It’s nuts.”

According to The Onion, Bard College has been named the nation’s “No. 1  Dinner Party School.” And you know what that means: “Surveys show the nonstop dinner party culture at Bard is now even more widespread than at Wesleyan.”

Is that even possible? This article (and the accompanying stock photo) is disgustingly on point to an extent almost beyond satire. I especially enjoy the administrative angle:

School officials said Bard has made a number of positive changes since 2005, when a student was sent to the hospital after ingesting in excess of three poached tilapia fillets in less than an hour. Steps taken to manage the dinner party scene on campus include freshman orientation classes encouraging students to eat alone in their dorm room at least three times a week; banning the use of fondue kits on campus; and contacting the parents of students found using vegetables or tofu from the school’s dining hall in their homemade stir-fries.

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