It’s been four semesters since I’ve had home-cooked Turkish (oh, wow, here’s Melisa talking about being Turkish….again) meal, and to be completely honest, at first it was great. There are only so many times I can manage to “enjoy” kale stew (side note: kale translates to “decoration cabbage” in Turkish) and I was infatuated with the copious amounts of coffee and soft-serve ice cream that I was honestly blind.

It’s been four semesters, and the coffee and soft-serve ice cream can no longer make me complacent. As Wesleyan’s local and very vocal Middle Easterner™, there’s a very serious matter that we need to discuss: the “hummus” that is offered at Usdan. It’s time to call it for what it is, and that certainly isn’t fucking hummus.

If you weren’t aware, Usdan offers hummus on the kosher line, oftentimes paired with some sort of panini. See, I was super fucking excited when I saw this, because I didn’t grow up with ranch or cranberry vinaigrette (?), and I wanted to supplement my bland salads with the spread that is responsible for my sanity. And so, wide-eyed first-year me walks onto the kosher line, excited to get a taste of home. Why I thought that this hummus would remotely resemble home considering the general lack of spices in Usdan (seriously, WHY DON’T WE HAVE RED PEPPER FLAKES ANYWHERE? And don’t tell me about that bullshit red pepper that’s by the pizza) is beyond me. I was hopeful that perhaps Bon App got things right for once.

Oh, was I wrong.

Here are some general notes about the hummus that I have succumbed to time and time again at Usdan, in which each time I have considered just transferring to any school in Turkey based exclusively on food: