Project 2025: The Saga

VANCE (breathily, with longing in his eyes)

President Trump... I would love to be your Vice President.

Trump leans in close, whispering low in J.D.'s sweaty ear. His breath smells heavily of alcohol and Plan B.

TRUMP

Despite the fact you hated me for so long? Or the fact that your pronouns are he/him and you're from Middletown?

Vance's heart flutters in his chest like the wings of a Kentucky chicken in a deep fryer.

VANCE

Of course, Donny. It's all irrelevant at this moment. But I'm from Ohio, not Connecticut.

TRUMP

Oh, I see. You are not a theatre kid like Ben, are you?

VANCE (scoffing)

Of course not. I've never been to the Shapiro Writing Center in my life.

Trump marvels at Vance's Barbie-esque face and thinks of giving Vance more Botox and plastic surgery. He imagines Vance shrieking with delight as his wrinkles disappear. It simply tickles his own fancy.

Vance moves away, and Trump has tears in his eyes. Vance would avert his eyes, but he cannot.

VANCE

Sorry Don, just a second. I'm getting a call from FOX News. I need to interview about me being a 1984 kid and how nostalgic I am for 1972.

TRUMP (cupping his bullet ear like a modern-day Van Gogh).

No! I must whisper savory nothings into your ear for the rest of my fucking life.

VANCE

But I need--

TRUMP (whining)

I don't care what you need, Vance! I don't care what anyone needs! What matters is that I need something!

Vance reluctantly obliges.

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HOSPITAL - 3 AM - 9 MONTHS AFTERWARDS

Trump lies in a hospital bed. He sobs. His miscarriage breaks him from the inside out Vance stands next to him, a loyal father. Next to Vance stands Elon, who takes Trump's meaty hand in his own.

ELON

I'll take you to Mars in a Cybertruck, my little Trumpy boy-toy. We can forget this all happened.

TRUMP (whimpering)

"But... who is the father to my dead heir?" Elon shoots Vance a look. Vance glares back.

VANCE

Nice try, apartheid, but I am the father.

ELON

You may be the father to a half-human half-couch, but I am the father to this dead thing, along with my other child, [deadname].

VANCE

If you hadn't spread your legs for him--

Trump interrupts with a wail.

TRUMP

I think my daughter got me pregnant!

VANCE

No... That couldn't be it.

TRUMP

Ivanka...

Trump looks away, but he is unashamed. It is impossible for him to be ashamed.

VANCE

How could you cheat on us? I'm okay with the incest but I wish you had told me!

TRUMP

For Project 2025. I made sure of it... To show my dictator friends how serious I was... I did not realize that Project 2025 included me getting pregnant.

ELON

Don't worry. I will make sure the word is spread and build you a Trumpmobile. In the meantime, let's go to space and fuck martians while fucking the rest of humanity figuratively.

TRUMP

Okay, Lonny.

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IN A SHITTY SPACECRAFT IN SPACE

Trump screams in both pleasure and pain. The crew of the Muskcraft is panicking. The

spacecraft was caught by a solar flare. There is no explanation because it is a science fiction story--the type that has no scientific basis, just like Trump during COVID.

ELON

This was not supposed to happen!

VANCE

I thought we were advancing as a species, not going to hell! Get it? Ad- Vance - ing? Like my name? Vance laughs maniacally like he always does.

TRUMP

I hate you both! He screams in pain from the 5,944,738,039 degrees (Fahrenheit, not Celsius, because he is super American).

ELON

I'm trying to pour a bunch of water inside the Muskcraft and it's not working! Elon tries to pour a bunch of water inside the Muskcraft and, as prophesized, it does not work.

TRUMP

I was going to go to Mars and fuck the martians!

Trump gives Elon a smack on the face (up for interpretation).

VANCE

So was I!

Vance gives Trump a smack on the ass (up for interpretation).

TRUMP

It's those damn Dems!

They all die in a blaze of passion like the Wicked Witch of the West and have cartoonish X's on their eyes, reminiscent of the new Twitter logo.

THE END.