PROJECT 2025: THE SAGA Continued (No way!)
The blaze of passion in which Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and JD Vance die can be seen from the International Space Station. Approximately 7 billion people cheer as the footage is livestreamed.
TRUMP (cut short as he perishes)
Noooooo I'm being cut off like at the last deba-
SPACE
Cut to a chase scene in a movie theater. Spectators are watching intently as the Tesla cybertruck on the screen blows up, with a single mother and her five children inside.
SPECTATOR ONE
I fucking knew it would happen as soon as they stepped into the car!
SPECTATOR TWO
Hush, bitch! I just got an alert on my phone that says three guys died in space!
The spectators are Matt Walsh and that one twink Ben Shapiro.
MATT
Wait a second... those were not just any guys. They were the saviors of the
world! What will we ever do without them? Matt whimpers like a puppy, wanting to lick Elon's flabby little belly button at least one last time.
BEN
I need to tell my modest and sexy sis-- I mean, modest and sexy wifey! Ben looks around to make sure the slip up wasn't heard. His life as a self-hating, closeted Brony at the Daily Wire was hard enough, but if those goddamn dems decided to enter this movie theater, he would be outed as an incestuous man as well.
MATT (sniffling and wiping tears from his eyes)
He was so strong. He got shot in the head but survived. He was my hero. He was my dad.
BEN
Your dad? What do you mean, Matt Walsh?
Ben brings up a microphone from his pocket. He realizes he was live, and all right-wing America probably heard his slip-up.
MATT
I've never been this open in my life except for when I was test-driving the Tesla Urethral Sounding Rod (trademarked by Tesla and my one and only lover Elon Musk), but I will admit that I am a bastard.
BEN
You don't say?
He smirks and licks his non-existent lips at Matt. There is some kind of tension in the
otherwise-empty theater.
MATT (blushing)
No! Not bastard like that. Although I never give pregnant women a seat on the bus because I think women are second-class citizens and deserve to be pregnant just like my late fascist-X-lover and y late-father and his late-concubine Vance.
Ben raises an eyebrow. It keeps raising. It doesn't stop raising. The eyebrow flies off of
his face and hits the ceiling.
BEN
They've been dead for... two minutes. You don't have to describe them as late.
MATT
Yes, well, anyway. Trump is my father. Melania got him pregnant a while ago. But even before Melania, there was another woman. This woman impregnated him, so he gave birth to me and tried to flush me down a toilet. He was ashamed of his whorish ways. When I was five years old, he tried to hang me with a telephone wire. This is why the Daily Wire means so much to me. Every day, I feel blessed. I feel blessed that I did not succumb to the daily strangling I endured. I feel blessed that I can experience urethral sounding every day. I feel blessed my beard is as thick as my pubes.
BEN (tearing up)
I know I'm not supposed to feel emotions because of the slogan "facts not feelings," but God damn it am I feeling something. I'm crying so much I could fill up the Gulf of America. I want to say that I feel blessed as well. I'm blessed to be a Brony and have sensual experiences with my modest sister Abby. I'm blessed to be a straight man who is attracted to barely anthropomorphic ponies. I'm blessed to not have pronouns. I am so blessed!
TRUMP (walks in)
Hey, son. Wanna hang out?
MATT (with his life flashing before his eyes)
Dad... hang...on... AHHHHHH.
Matt Walsh runs away and jumps through the brick wall of the theater, leaving a
cartoonish Matt Walsh-shaped hole in the wall. It probably compromises the structural
integrity of the building.
BEN
Hrmmm... Wait a second. I sense something off about this situation! You're supposed to be dead!
TRUMP
Well, erm, I'm not dead! Eh, the liberals have lied to you, Ben. Eh, they have brainwashed you.
BEN
Then how do you explain the live ISS footage?
TRUMP
Did you say ISIS? I love those guys!
BEN
No, Trump. I'm, I'm not talking about your social life right now. I'm talking about the floating thing up in the sky that takes pictures and moves around the Earth.
TRUMP (gesturing with his meaty hands)
Oh yeah. But it doesn't move around the Earth. It's on top of the horizontal disk that is America. The Gulf of America is the very edge of it, as we all know. Ben, I expected better education from you.
BEN
Your son left the building. Also, when are we getting oiled up? You promised we'd get all of America oiled up soon.
TRUMP
All in good time. All in good time. Wait, my son? No! That son of a bitch ripped open my urethra when he was born. I will never ever get to experience another sounding in the decade or so I have left to live.
Trump sobs into his orange hands. Urine leaks out of his eyes, adding a beautiful
golden glow to his face.
BEN
Wait is that why you don't have testicles?
TRUMP (hissing)
Yes, unfortunately. Matt stole my entire scrotum when he emerged from my pelvis.
BEN
We should stop discussing genitalia, it is uncouth and not very modest, unlike my sexy sister Abby.
TRUMP
You're right. We should stop worrying about people's genitalia. It's really none of your business, Ben, what I have and don't have down there. You're so very right. I'm gonna go find my long lost son and see if he has grown up to be a nice young man.
BEN
Yes, I think I will visit the Supreme Court and do things with my sister. I will not specify to those of you watching or listening to Daily Wire. But if you subscribe to my Patreon or my OF, perhaps I will upload some extra footage. Haha, foot-age. Because I also have a foot fetish haha.
The two boys go on their separate ways, feeling enlightened and refreshed. They
acknowledge in their heads that there are plot holes; however, they do not care about
inconsistencies and unanswered questions. They are on a mission. They are out to
complete Project 2025.
